Wednesday, April 25th, 2007
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5:13 pm - THEY NEED A WHAT? AND COWS AND SHIT!!!
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Ok...long time no post. I went out of town last weekend till like Tuesday. I went to my dads and I worked cattle. I had a lot of fun. It's hard work, but it's fun. I gave cows shots and did other stuff. We worked 95 cows in one day!!! My dad has his own ranch and when I was there I went off by myself to think and shit and sort a lot of shit out. I think that everyone should do this. Go far away and in the country and just sit and think. I feel so much better about so much!!!! I am most def going to do this on a semi regular basis. Brad and I are doing great. We were going through some rough shit for awhile, but I went and got my cards read and it turns out (if you believe in this shit) that I had a love curse on me. I went to my grammy and she did this prayer thingy and some other shit and ever since we have been doing so good. It's so crazy. I didn't believe it, but it is kinda weird how we went from the brink of breaking up to like back to where we were before! THEN!! OMG!! My friend read about auditions for a plus size cabaret show. Tryouts are this Sunday. The show will be one sat a month so it shouldn't mess with rocky and the chick that is doing auditions said she use to play maggy on SA cast a long time a go! I am so x-cited. I'm going to audition singing life is a cabaret and I just need to put a dance to it. I really hope that this happens! I need to start skating again. I haven't in awhile, but shit just keeps comming up that I need to do.
current mood:  cheerful
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Thursday, March 22nd, 2007
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8:02 pm - suckage
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So...life has been interesting lately. My Granny passed away and that is the first death I have had of someone close to me. I loved her so much. She was awesome and one of the reasons I wanted to become a nurse. She just had a gift when it came to people. I had to go MF for the memorial service. I couldn't stop crying and couldn't really breathe. She had cancer. That's why she died and we were all happy that she wasn't suffering anymore, but I don't understand why she of all people should have to go out like that. She never did anything but help others and it doesn't matter. I'm just fucking pissed off at whoever or whatever is in charge of this shit! I haven't seen my mom in like a few years. She lives in Japan. We don't have the best relationship. SHe was down for the memorial service and that was........uhhh.....interesting. My adopted mom is the shit and my birth mom is cold. I'm numb.
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Wednesday, February 7th, 2007
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5:57 pm - I'm a poet and don't know it!
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So...I have been writing some poems. I don't think they are good, but I'm thinking of going to like a poetry slam and reading them. I went to Chibbi's slam thing and I have been thinking about it ever since. It seems like a good therapy thing ya know. I haven't been to my therapist lately. I start doing good and then don't go and then some shit will go down and then I go. I should probably go more often. I'm just trying this whole new like year thing. It's 2007 and I can't change my past so i'm trying to let all that shit go. So far so good. I also want to be a roller girl and tryouts are in May. I'm trying to get good at skating again. I need to get back in shape and shit and it's hard with my schedule. When I get off work I'm 2 tired to do anything. I'm not going to do it if i'm not ready.
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Saturday, February 3rd, 2007
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10:37 am - I love this song!!!!
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What do you think?
Just Breathe by Anna something I think
2am and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake
Can you help me unravel my latest mistake
I don't love him, Winter just wasn't my season
Yeah, we walk through the door, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize
Hypocrites you're all here for the very same reason
'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable and
Life's like an hourglass glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe, just breathe
Whoa, breathe, just breathe
May he turned 21 on the base of Fort Bliss
Just today he sat down to the flask in his fist
Ain't been sober since maybe October of last year
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while
But my god, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles
Wanna hold him maybe I'll just sing about it
There's a light at each end of this tunnel you shout
Cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
These mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you'll only try turnin' around
2am and I'm still awake writing a song
If I get it all down on paper it's no longer
Inside of me, threat'nin' the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
'Cause these words are my diary screamin' out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to
{As refrain}
'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable and
Life's like an hourglass glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand
And breathe, just breathe
Whoa, breathe, just breathe (3x)
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10:13 am - I wish life was like a musical.
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Sometimes....I want to randomly break out into song and dance and then during the chours have everyone around me join in. Life would be so much fun if it were a musical.
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Thursday, June 29th, 2006
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12:25 pm - my diagnonscense
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So...... I have not updated in awhile but I'm going to more often now. My life is over all really good right now. Brad and I have our own apt together and I have a good job. But now that everything is so good I can't push back some horrible things that happened to me in the past and I really feel like I might lose it soon. I'm am going to therapy and on new meds so I know in time it will get better but sometimes I get so worked up that I just want to scream and I want to dig my nails in my skin and just scratch up my arms. I just feel so crazy cause my life is so good right now and I should be happy but I'm being haunted now......I feel like i'm on a roller coaster.
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12:17 pm
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| In a Past Life... | 
You Were: A Forlorn Executor of Sacrifices.
Where You Lived: Burma.
How You Died: The Plague. |
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Wednesday, September 28th, 2005
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10:37 pm - Miss Jaxson, CMA
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Holy shit!!!! I have not updated in a very long time....you know what that means....I have been happy or busy. It's actually both. Brad and are dating again and have been for like almost a month now. ( a month on the first). Much 2 everyones surprise it is going very well!!!!!I am very happy and for the first time in my life I feel very complete. I am about to graduate!! At the end of this month I will be a certified Med Ass and I am very x-cited about it!!! I'm not going to stop there but I'm going to take some time off before going back to school. Just work a bit....pay off some loans and shit. I am currently sick and feel like shit but I hope to feel better by 2-marrow cause I can't afford to miss work again!!! So...my life is going great right now......there is a little voice in my head saying that it never lasts long when I feel this way but I just tell it 2 shut the hell up and hope for the best!!!!!!
current mood:  loved
current music: close 2 me-the cure
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Tuesday, July 26th, 2005
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10:30 pm - happy! happy! joy! joy!
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I am the new special shows director!! Well...one of them...One of them resigned and I got voted in his place. I'm so x-cited!!!!! I have so many ideas....my first baby is rocky disco fever night. so x-cited!!!! I'm back with Mikey. We worked it out. I hope it lasts longer this time cause I'm not playing this break up- make up shit. Ya know?!? So yeah...all's I can think about is the next special show...happy! happy! joy! joy!
current mood:  bouncy
current music: santeria-SUBLIME
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Thursday, July 21st, 2005
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11:57 pm - I'm left bleeding....
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so...yeah.....once again...I play the fool. Hurt by another....forced to feel rejected and ugly and alone. Wanting what was rightfully mine. Tired of being used...of my emotions being used....my time being used....Fuck love...fuck everything...and everything love stands for....I'm done with love. It has hurt me for the last time. Wanting so badly to sew back up the slice in my heart but each time I get there....just about the sew it up....the slice gets deeper and I'm bleeding and It won't stop. I want it to stop..... so badly.....it won't stop. It never stops. I cry out....begging for the end of this agony. Help me.
current mood:  crushed
current music: Yesterday's Feeling--the used
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Wednesday, July 20th, 2005
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3:12 pm - An Dr. Evertt TWAT
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Yes, I am playing Dr.Scott at Rocky this weekend. I'm so excited!!! I have been watching the movie and thinking of costume ideas and such. This weekend they decide the other special shows director. I hope I get it. If I don't, then I don't but I do have a lot of great ideas. If I don't I can tell them my ideas so its not that big of a deal. But I guess it is a big deal to me....meh...blah...hootie hoo!!! Well.....Not much to blab about. I seem to be out of my slump for now and now i'm going to clean my room and such cause I don't work today!! I need to watch Dr. Scotts parts again and make notes on suff. I'm going to do that right now!!! MUHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA!!!!
current mood:  chipper
current music: Hollar back girl- Gwen!!!
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Tuesday, July 19th, 2005
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1:54 am - blah...blah...blah and surprise more blah!
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FELLINGS: Well, I'm in a weird, sensitive and kinda bitchy mood. I dunno. I'm not PMSing....... it's not even close to time and I'm sure as hell not Pregnant. I'm on many a forms of birth control.....so I don't get it. The littlest things are pissin me off and like I'm getting all sensitive about stuff that I would normally brush off or not give a fuck about. Aparently....I'm not the only one. Friends that I have spoken to about this say that have been feeling the same way. Meh....I think my problem is that random times I think about the past and it brings me down.....I dunno...blah...blah...blah...I get in these moods where I don't really like people in general and just want to be by myself and the people I care about don't care about me....I know they do but I guess I am in a slump. Plus....I don't like it when one of my friends is like playing with another one of my friends emotions. One friend pretends to like another one of my friends but is still in love with that said persons ex (its not healthy). Her ex obviously doesn't want what my friend wants but my friend will not let it go. I guess it's none of my business but I don't like seeing one of my friends get strung a long. BLAH!!!
Rocky: I really want to play this weekend but I doubt I will get cast. Kevin is making his movie and I have a part in it. Rob said that Kevin said he had the perfect part for me and then rob said when he read it...I was a slut. Does that mean that he thinks I'm a slut or just that he has confidence in my acting skills to play slut. I want to play columbia one more time and Rocky one more time and then I hope to play Janet. Kevin is playing columbia this weekend so I hope I either play Trixie or Rocky. Time will tell....I love rocky. I want to run for the new special show director if I haven't mentioned that before. I have a lot of great ideas so I hope I get it.
anywho....bed sounds good to me right now and marvin...if I can find him. He is my favorite stuffed animal.....not a guy.
current mood:  blah
current music: take it away-the used
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Tuesday, July 12th, 2005
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10:45 pm - This damn feeling again.....
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MEH!!! This damn feeling....pain....I haven't felt it in a while and I sure didn't miss it. I'm so fucking confused on what I want.....I hate it when people try to make you feel like shit about yourself. What the fuck for?!? I'm hurting and I want you 2 hurt 2!! Well...you fucking caused your hurt for a stupid fucking reason....I didn't do it. Shit. Fuck. Damn....sorry....just a little rant. I don't think I will date anyone for like ever....meh!!!
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2:04 pm - I'm back in business YALL!
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So...I finally have the internet!!! WOOHOO! A whole bunch of crazy things have happened since I have last posted so i'm going to catch yall up!
My Sister: My sister whom I was living with is now back in rehab. I'm so glad! It was very difficult to get her to go back. I hope this time she gets the help that she needs. Now the story: She was doing great till she started hanging out with this old friend of hers who she met at the hope house and he got kicked out for using again. When she started hanging out with him again she started using again and I thought she was but I wasn't certain or didn't want to know....i'm not 2 sure which....but anywho....that fucker (her boyfriend) stole my digital camera and pawned it for drug money. When I found out I was super de duper pissed off and so I went into her room and looked to see if there was anything else of mine that they had and I found drugs and needles and all that lovely shit that goes with it.....so I called my mom and she came over and we dealt with it by kicking her out and telling her that she needed to either go back home or 2 rehab and at first she ran away with her boy toy and said no way but then after our dad taking her car away she decided she needed to go back and now she is back in rehab doing great!!!!
Roomies: Now I have two new roommates.....Margo and Kitty moved into my sister's old room and I think they are great roomies. We have a good time but we all are so busy with work and shit so its not often that we are all 3 home. So far....So good...... :)
Mikey: Mikey and I are no longer together. I hope that we stay friends but for now I think its best that we are not together. He would be a good person to settle down with but I'm not ready for that at all!! I just need something different right now and so does he. He thinks he wants/needs me but he doesn't. He needs work on himself first. I use to be just like him and you can't fully love someone else if you don't love yourself....ya know? He doesn't love himself and he should. That just takes time and it's something he has to do on his own. He also has depression issues and I mean so do I but I take my meds and he needs to get on some. They help a whole bunch. There is nothing wrong with taking anti-depressants.
Rocky: I have now played columbia which was a dream of mine since I was little! I hope to play her again soon so that I can get trained for someone else. Not that I don't love playing her.....cause I do!!! I just want to learn someone else so that I have more parts I can play. Rocky is so much fun. I'm am so in love with it. I got thrown in as Rocky last saturday and It was so much fun!! I didn't know the part but everyone helped me out a great deal...and no one got mad if I messed up. :) I hope I can play him again soon also. I think I want to do that before I learn a new part. Thats what I'm trying to do is like know a part really well before I start a new one.
Work: I hate Target. They suck. I got introuble yesterday for wearing a blue shirt under my read shirt. I mean In the handbook....I believe it just said you had to be wearing your team colors which I was wearing but twatever...it seems like they always have something to say to me.....I'm looking for a new job so that I can quit target. I mean...they are just so uptight. I can't wait till I graduate and don't have to deal with min. wage bullshit. Thinking about the stripper thing again. MEH!!!
Sickness: I am once again sick. Meh. I'm always sick it seems. blah.....i'm starting to feel better.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Small, simple, safe price
Rise the wake and carry me with all of my regrets
This is not a small cut that scabs, and dries, and flakes, and heals
And I am not afraid to die
I'm not afraid to bleed, and fuck, and fight.
I want the pain of payment
What's left, but a section of pigmy size cuts
Much like a slew of a thousand unwanted fucks
Would you be my little cut?
Would you be my thousand fucks?
And make mark leaving space for the guilt to be liquid
To fill, and spill over, and under my thoughts
My sad, sorry, selfish cry out to the cutter
I'm cutting trying to picture your black broken heart
Love is not like anything
Especially a fucking knife
-- i'm a fake -- the used
current mood:  drained
current music: I'm a Fake - - The Used
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Wednesday, May 25th, 2005
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4:03 pm - My dick is much bigger than yours
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lol!!! So....I went to Expose last night to see about a cocktail waitress job.....I didn't like the people there....they were bitches....so.....i'm going to another strip club tonight. I think i'm going to strip instead. Just jump right in. Make lots of money. There is no shame in my game. We will see...i will only do it....if....its just topless.....i can pick my music....and i'm not the only slightly cubby girl there. All's I got to say about that is more cushion for the pushin!!! I mean....the girls at expose were small and cute but had no boobs or ass and couldn't dance. I have a big ol ass, decent boobs (nipple rings), and I can dance....so i'm going for it. I just have to think of it like a Theater audition....if I get rejected...i do and so what. IF not....MONEY!!!!! Hells yeah. I need it!!! No more worries....life will be awesome. Getting paid to dance!! Sounds great to me. So....i'm x-cited about it...hip-hip-hooray!!!
current mood:  anxious
current music: money,cash,hoes-jay z
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Monday, May 23rd, 2005
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4:54 pm - what a fucking weekend!
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My weekend was tons o fun!!! Rocky was fucking awesome!!!! I think I need to loose some weight from looking at the pics but I think I still looked sexy. Things with Mikey are not going to well....so I dunno....i'm trying....we will see.....i have to go get my tire fixed so I will finish this later....until then.....TOODLES!!!
current mood: blah
current music: If it makes you happy
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Friday, May 20th, 2005
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3:49 pm - OH SHACOCKA!
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MEH!!!! Have you ever just been disappointed with people in general and so you don't really want to hang out with anyone cause ya just want to be by yourself?!?! That's me right about now. I'm not mad at anyone...i just feel blah...i need to focus on school. It's like....I go to school....I go to work....I go home and there is always someone who feels I am not spending enough time with them.....I love everyone who is in my life but sometimes I want some me time. Ok...now that thats over......Money sucks...i hate it...i mean i love having it but i hate it cause I never do.....some people I hang out with seem to think that because I have 2 jobs that I have a lot of extra money but I have fucking bills....thats where my money goes. But they don't understand that cause they don't have bills to pay. Meh....I keep ranting huh?!?!On a good note...I cut my hair...i love it....I got my lip pierced...i love it..so if I could loose some weight I would feel fucking great. One more rant....everyone knows that gas cost money right?!? Ok....done. I am so x-cited about rocky!!!! yay!!!
current mood:  bored
current music: so common, so cheap-blood for blood
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Monday, May 9th, 2005
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3:20 pm - I pretend that your dead so that i'm not sad that I will never see you again.....
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hmmm....GUESS TWAT!! I'M STILL SICK!! I am on my fourth week so that means that I have almost been sick for a whole month. I went 2 party last night with Chibbi....it was tons o fun. Theater people....gotta love em. Gay guys always love me and I'm a fag hag so it works. Oh, I realized that at the party. I passed my test....thank ya jesus. I'm thinking about being a stripper. But at a topless bar...not all the way. I mean I do it when I play trixie for free....this way I will get paid for it and all I have to do it show my tits and I'm sure that there is a pic of them somewhere on the internet so it doesn't really matter. I need money...more money...I mean I work my ass off just to get by and I'm tired of it. I would like to be able to buy shit and enjoy working. I will be getting paid to dance to whatever I want. Sounds good to me!! But...first I have to audition. I will be working on what I want to do and feel free to come watch at some point so that I can get some feed back. If i'm going to do it in front of strangers then why in the hell not in front of my friends?!?! At least you will be honest. Like say "no, don't do that...that looks like shit" or "that is not sexy" or "oh shit I need to go to the bathroom now" .....blah.....comments? stripper? yay or nah?
current mood: blah
current music: girls,girls,girls-motley crue
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Thursday, May 5th, 2005
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6:03 pm - I want you so bad it stings......
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Well.....I'm sick still so I went to the doctor and FINALLY the bitch gave me some meds. So....I'm hoping to be better in no time. I think being sick for 3 weeks is long enough. Everything is going pretty good. I really like Mikey. I'm not so scared about it anymore. I'm just taking it as it comes. He is so awesome! I mean.... I'm not use to being treated as good as he treats me...... seriously. Kevin like never paid for anything and he was always getting mad at me and calling me a stupid fucking bitch and punching the walls and shit and Mikey is so sweet and nice and bought me a icee! It's so weird....I don't know what to do. I don't know how to handle it....I like it though. Kevin made me feel like I didn't deserve to be treated like that and Mikey makes me feel like I shouldn't be treated any other way! awwww...ok sorry...I will stop talking about him! I finally did a successful venipuncture today. YAY!! I still need practice but I got blood and thats what counts!!!! The girl who did a venipuncture on me went through my vein! It hurt really bad but i'm ok. I took my niece and nephew to get ice cream today at Maggie Moo's and when I was there this lady asked me how I liked NIT (i still had my scrubs on) I was telling her how much I loved it and all about what were doing and she told me her name and told me to look her up when I graduate and need to do my extern ship. She said that if I called her she would let me do mine at her office!! That is awesome!! I'm going to try to do it at St. David's Hosp. cause they will pay for me to further my education so that I can be an RN!!! WHOOT! WHOOT! But I don't want to close any doors!! If I don't get one at the Hosp. I can call her up and do mine there! That made my day. YAY! Chibbi has been really distant lately. It seems like its been since I have been dating Mikey. Maybe its nothing. If it bothers him I hope that he will tell me......I miss him. He says he just has a lot of work and I hope thats all it is. I don't want to lose friends because I'm in a relationship. I hope I'm not being like those girls who avoid everyone else when they are dating someone. Am I?!? If I am let me know. I will stop it immediately!!
current mood:  sick
current music: bitches_mindless self indulgence
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Tuesday, May 3rd, 2005
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3:18 pm - blah...meh...and Gizmo!!
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umm...so I hung out with Mikey again last night and seriously we have so much in common. That's a good thing I think. No, I know it is. I guess....blah. Anywho...we are trying to get to know each other better and what not. I told him something that was really hard for me to tell him about my past and I was wondering how he was going to handle it. I guess I x-pected him to be like....there is no excuse for that and I can't be with someone who has done that! But...he didn't.... he just looked at me..... like.....right in the eyes and said that he would never hurt me. I want to believe him so bad. Part of me thinks he won't but then there is always that other part of me that says that Kevin said he would never hurt me and he broke my fucking heart. No.... he ripped it out, stomped on it, spit on it, came all over it, shat on it, stabbed it a couple of times,hit it with a bat,and then gave it back to me all mangled. So now I'm left with this hurting,no good heart. I have so much love to give but seriously...I would rather give it to my cat cause Gizmo would never hurt me! I dunno....I think I'm going to take Erin's advice and go with the flow. If I don't then I will never know what could have been. Plus I'm like so happy! It just feels weird to be happy I guess and it's just a little 2 good 2 be true. I'm just waiting for something bad to happen. I hope nothing does. That would be nice for a change.
Anywho......I got my cat now!!! He was at my mum's cause I was living with my brother and now I have my own place and so I have him back. I love my cat. He is awesome. He is like my baby. But not in a really weird way. I'm not like obsessed....i just love him to death!! So yay!!!!
current mood:  mellow
current music: Happy Now?- No Doubt
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